Why am I a world-touring, high octane, always killing, famous comedian? Because I live in Israel and Israel is funny. I will never run out of material as long as Israel keeps on being Israel.
Take this morning for example. No, take only the first hour of this morning.
I’m walking down the side walk and incoming is a bicycler. There is not enough room for the two of us. Even though, I think I belong there more than he does, I move off the side walk temporarily to allow him to pass by. The bicycle rider is an elderly gentleman, who has buttoned down his shirt to his bellybutton, apparently he still thinks it’s the year 1977. The access allows me to take in his sagging, silvered hair chest. Old man nipples is Israel’s way of saying, “boker tov (good morning)”.
I’m trying to get to the Bezeq store, a phone company if you will. I realize that I don’t know exactly where this store is. I happened to be on the phone with my wife and she said she will google map it and call me back. I then turn to the first person I see and ask for directions. She tells me immediately. She’s spot on. She’s faster than Google and she happens to be retarded. Hey, don’t go there, retarded is a perfectly good word. Besides, some of my best me is retarded. Just like black people can use the ‘N’ word I am allowed to use the ‘R’ word.
So I am at the Bezeq store and there is a sales lady giving a pitch on which phone to by to an elderly gentleman. This was not the same bloke on the bicycle, he had his shirt buttoned. Yes, I was wondering what his nipples looked like, wouldn’t you? Here’s how the sales pitch went, translated of course:
“This is the best. This is the best. This is the best. This is the best.”
To which the old man replied, “This is the best?”
“This is the best. This is the best.”
To which the old man replied, “Well, if you say this is the best, then I’ll take this.”
“Yes, yes, this is the best. This is the best.” she concluded.
Listening to this exchange it made me want to re-evaluate the model of phone I had at home. I thought I had the best. And now I realize that I do not have the best. I tried to convince myself that I had the second best and that was good enough.
To sum up: Israel is funny because of old man’s nipples, our retards are smarter than Google and we all want the best.