Master Fool

If I don’t play the idiot, who will? Sure there are others but they are incompetent. This world needs fools of the highest caliber. My foolaucity will leave you astonished. You will ask yourself, “Is he being serious? How could one man be such a fool?”

It’s a fair question. Let me tell you, being a first-class fool is no walk in the park. Or maybe it is similar to a walk in the park. A park with no trees, no grass and no benches. A park with shops, escalators and a food court which is no park at all. It’s a mall. Any fool knows that.

But only a 10th degree black belt in foolery knows how many house cats fit in a bathtub. Just try to count them. They’re moving about every which way, hissing and squirming. Cats don’t get along in a bathtub. And don’t think by turning on the shower that your helping the matter at all. It will only make your cat counting job harder. That’s no way to fooldom.

And don’t just be asking me for the answers either. Your puny little non-fool brain couldn’t handle the information overload. If you stuck my foolish knowledge into your untrained brain, your head would explode.

You think any fool can be a fool? Only the elite, the pure of heart with virtues that taste like honey can dare be a master chef in the kitchen of fool like me.

Don’t even try to out fool me. You will be left in the mud like the rest. Mud is a combination of dirt and water. I bet you didn’t know that. You did know that? Well what in the hell are you doing with fool knowledge like that? Put it down. It’s dangerous. You can get hurt. You are an amateur. You are playing with fire. Only a bottom of the barrel fool plays with fire that looks, feels and tastes like mud.

Oh, I see, you think you can handle it. You think you’ve got what it takes to be an ace of fools? OK, well, let’s see if you can handle this: Did you know that wifi means nothing? Wifi is not an acronym. Hifi is an acronym. Hifi is short for ‘high fidelity’. Oh you say wifi is an acronym for wireless fidelity? Well what does wireless fidelity mean? It means nothing, fool! Someone just made up the word wifi because it sounded cool.

All that wifi means is that someone made a technology that is never going to work properly. Don’t blame the concrete walls. Don’t blame the technician that comes to your house and scratches his head and gives you no solution to your wifi woes.

You beg your technician, “Why doesn’t my wifi work?” You technician answers, “Why? Why? Fuck if I know.”

That’s what wifi really stands for: ‘Why? Fuck If I know.’ They were going name it: Why FIIK but wifi just rolled off the tongue better.

Now you know. And now you are sorry you know, aren’t you? You are now burdened with the isolation of knowing too much. Your sensitivities have deepened to a level that you never thought a human could experience. Everything looks different now. Your perspectives and priorities have changed. Your paradigms have shifted. And now you are left feeling raw to the sandpaper of life. You are too sad. You are too joyful. You cry and you laugh at the same time. It’s madness.

The bright colors. The music. The love. The hate. Welcome to the world of being a true fool.

It’s not too late. You can escape the weighted world of being a fool. Go slam your head against a wall and don’t stop slamming it until blood comes gushing out of your forehead. (Or should I say foolhead?)

The foolery only leaves from the blood of your head. You could put leeches on your head, but where are you going to find leeches? They aren’t as easy to find as you might think. No one is harvesting leeches anymore, not in your neighborhood anyway.

I can see I haven’t convinced you to slam your head repeatedly into a wall. Fine. I can’t actually see you but I’m almost certain that you are unconvinced. Only a fool would do to themselves a fool’s errand as to self-inflict his forehead with a wall.

You think you’ve won but the sad truth is that you lost. It only proves that you don’t really have what it takes to be a fool like me. You don’t have it in you, so just move along.

And anyone out there who did follow through and damage his forehead, well then congratulations, you are one of the chosen few; an elite group; the AAA rating in fool.

Now go wash your face. You’ve got blood all over everywhere, you dumb idiot.